About the Title...

I was raised hardcore old-school catholic. Latin mass. CCD classes. First communion, then at confirmation, I refused and finally planted my feet like the stubborn donkey I am.

I refuse to be confirmed into a faith I could not wholeheartedly follow. I wasn't going to get up before God, the Bishop and the parish, and swear to follow THEIR words, since I think a lot of what the Pope has to say is a lot of (as my Memere would say,) horse feathers.

Recently, the newest (and the one I refer to as The Nazi, for obvious reasons) Pope gave a lecture to Africans. He proceeded to tell them that using condoms is a sin. Yes, the same Africans who are dying of AIDS. The ones who think raping a virgin means you can never get AIDS. Those guys are apparently some of the few still faithful who listen to this malarkey.

I have some news for you. I don't think a loving God nor his Son expect you realistically to be without sin. That's why we confess, isn't it? And, given that we are sinners, we are expected to sin. I don't think Jesus is going to get his knickers in a twist if we use a latex sheath *as* we sin, in order not to KILL the person we love (murder being a sin,) or not to commit SUICIDE (which, newsflash, is also a sin,) by sex (again a sin, but a lesser one, so really we just have to pick the least sinful out of the above, like a bad multiple choice.)

Wow. I think I sounded like a lawyer or politician there.

I mean, call me cuckoo. Call me a heathen. Call me common sensical, because I think religion, like law, should be a living thing that adapts to the times. Let's face it, Jesus was about what, 2008 years ago (allegedly,) and I don't think he had to worry much about AIDS while he drove the demons into the swine or raised Lazarus, or he would have left us some words of wisdom about that.

I personally think Jesus would be seriously pissed about some of the crap His representatives have thrown at us. Like babies going to purgatory for not having been baptised before they have the gall to go and die. I mean, who made that one up? That's about the time I decided I was pulling out (no pun intended.) If He sends innocent babies to Purgatory for dying before His representative came around to cleanse them of original sin, I personally would like to go and argue with God, because that is some serious.....fu....bullsh.....HORSEFEATHERS. Yeah.

So, I am a recovering Catholic. I don't think I'm going to Hell because I never told some priest my sins. I don't think the Pope is King of Kings (one of his real titles. Honest to GOD. Think about it. A BORGIA was considered to have more power and moral authority than most Kings. HOLY HORSEFEATHERS BATMAN. THAT is a major red flag to me.)

So yeah. I'm a secular humanist. Check wikipedia if you need to know what that is, but long story short, it's basically doing unto others, relying on personal ethics and law and common sense instead of some unseen force that forces us to be good or else.

Is God there? I cannot speak to that is S/He or It is unknowable. I still pray sometimes, as it does make me feel better. Perhaps S/He (or it) listens and helps, or perhaps putting positive energy out there does. Either way, it is of comfort to me. I just can't prove to you what/who He or She or It is. But I know intrinsically what is right, what is just, and what is good. No one needs the rule book for that one. We just need our common sense and a healthy sense of respect for others. Both seem in short supply in today's world.

My Ghosts

(I'd like to preface this by stating that while my demons are horrible, there are thousands of troops in the Iraq war with worse. I count myself lucky to have only been in during peacetime, and my pain is in no way comparable to theirs. It troubles me daily that if I find my memories painful, men and women barely of age are experiencing worse.)

I have chronic, complex PTSD. When I try to sleep at night, or when I am staring off into space, I end up being visited by horrible glimpses of past trauma...sometimes my own, sometimes that of others.

There's a girl from basic training who tried to chew her wrists open. I remember the way the latrine smelled as I came in. The sound of sobbing. The way she looked at me when I came around the corner into the shower room...and hurriedly tried to chew deeper and faster before I got to her and yelled for help.

An 18 year old red head in Texas with the thousand yard stare she shouldn't have had yet. She broke down on me in the latrine when I asked her if she was ok. She wasn't, thanks to the three Sgts who got her drunk and raped her two days previous.

Myself, backed up against a wall by a 6 foot man with a baseball bat. Myself, fending off a man who stalked me and attacked me. Myself, testifying in court against the man who molested me as a kid. Myself, telling the Department of Social Services woman that I wasn't a bad kid, I had just rinsed the cocaine down the sink because it was bad for my mother...and now she wanted to adopt me out, so she could indulge in more. Myself, finding my boyfriend of 6 years was cheating while I was in the middle of the molestation trial. Myself, always alone, always outside the pale, always feeling that my life was never, ever going to get better. That the pain never ends, and there's always someone else waiting to hurt me.

To sleep, I tell myself "it's ok, you're safe, it's over, it's ok, you're safe, you're SAFE now.' But I never really feel that way. I always feel tensed, waiting for the next horrible thing to happen, even though it's been 5 solid years of keeping myself safe and antisocial. I'm a hermit. If no one gets close enough, no one can hurt me.

This blog will be my confessional. No one knows who I am. No one can identify me. But it's my place to let loose all these ghosts. Maybe if I write them out, it'll be a way of exorcising them.

I'm here!

Well, I've thought about blogging for years now, but I confess to being the sort of person who prefers not to be the center of attention in any way.

I'm a 34 year old single mother now, but I had 8 years in the Air Force Air National Guard and Reserves. Two years of criminal justice schooling. Then I cracked up completely, having ignored my own health in favor of others for years.

Since I'm starting this out admitting that I'm completely mental, I'm sure you'll decide now whether to hate me and leave, or hang in there and see what led me to where I am today.